Welcome to my mind....
This is my first blog and I guess I will start it off with some action , Comedy , Drama and a soundtrack .
My name is Scott Johnson and here is what has been goin on in my life recently.
As your reading this you may find yourself saying "DAMN! That dude is cursed!!" , But I assure you I am not. My Psychic told me so !
My troubles began in Late August and early September of this year we call 2008.
First off , I am a Hip-Hop Lyricist and my studio is home based.
So for all of you out there who have a home studio ,You know exactly how important your PC is...(Or Mac if your cooler than me)
Long story short , I ended up having the number one and two Viruses in the world at the same time.
VIRTUMONDE! This Virus is so damn nasty it has it's own Wikipedia page!
I started going through all of my files and into the heart of my system when I discovered that someone was using my computer as a host.
I had hundreds of software apps , movies , PC games , etc....All neatly bundled in Zip FIles.
So being an avid "Limewire" user , I figured I had caught the Virus there.
And people were downloading from me ,Like I had downloaded from so many others.
As I did further research , Some said it comes from the profile makers people go to to make profiles for the Myspace pages.
and I remembered ...MY KID WAS DOING THAT!
Dammit! This hacker took control of my entire system. He ran the show with an app called MSJuan. I battled Juan for 2 weeks straight!
#1 I didnt wanna have to redo everything I had done on my computer and #2 alot of it was foolish pride that I could outwit Virtumonde.
This Virus is so smart that it would redirect the page that allowed me to purchase software to kill it. So I am highly angered and impressed at the same time.
I am in the middle of making my sophmore album and all of my material was on the computer.
Yes , I know , I am one of them dudes who shoulda already had everything backed up.
But I WASN'T!
So on September 14th ,2008 , I went into my Dad's room to use his computer to purchase some software. By this point , Windows wouldnt even load for me.
And before I go on , I know some of you are asking yourself why the hell a grown man and his family are still living at home.
Let me answer that.
My parents divorced and my mother moved to West Virginia. I had a job , my kid , my friends and everything else here in Texas. We live in a two story house so I just stayed with my pops and moved my wife and kid in (I now have 3) . We kept the upstairs and he took over my old room downstairs.
He worked second shift and was gone from 3 pm to 1 am...So the situation worked for all of us.
Mind your damn business! :)
But back to the lecture at hand...
September 14th is the day and I am in his room getting some software. (Power suite)
He is watching a western called "The Cheyenne Social Club" , He is in a good mood , were laughing at the movie and having a good day.
I got the software and decided I would run it the next day , My wife was already pissed I was spending more time battelling Juan than I was with her :)
The day turned into night and everything was normal in my world.
I am a night owl by nature but I had promised to be in bed by midnight.
I got sucked into the Sarah Palin Revealed show on CNN , Followed by The Joe Biden Story.
Like alot of you , I am really interested in this election.
BUT , I had told myself to go to sleep.
I turned the TV off and finally dozed off around .......4am :(
About 5:30 AM my two oldest kids ran into the room and said "Dad , Someone is calling your name in the backyard".... I was just getting into the REM state and was very confused being awoken like this....
I went to the bathroom , Threw on my clothes and grabbed a weapon. ( Japanese fighting stick , It's like half of a solid wood staff)
As I was creeping down the stairs I heard some muffled yell's....
This really freaked me out....I am now looking at the backdoor to see if I can see shadows of someone outside.
The thought crossed my mind to wake up my dad , But I decided not to cause I knew he had to get up in a few hours...
So I grabbed the flashlight and walked outside. (I guess that is just the white man in me :)
I looked around and could see nothing , As I walked to the back of the house , I noticed my dad's light was on. Damn , It's almost 6 am , What the hell is he doing awake?
I walked to his room and as I approached , I heard real loud snoring....
I opened the door to discover him laying across his bed with his arms stiff.
I wasnt hearing snoring , He was trying to breath.
My father had had two previous heart attacks , So I thought that was what was going on.
I immediately rebuked Satan and started praying....I yelled for my wife to call 911!
I franticly searched for his "Nitro" pills....My mind was scrambled . I was scared and praying and trying to remain calm at the same time.
All the while he is breathing in through his mouth and blowing out forcibly through his nose.
His arms are stiff and his hands are turned inwards....I will never get that image out of my brain. I am fighting tears just describing it to you.
And because of his condition , his voice was different which made my kids think it was coming from outside.
I am praying and trying to get him to calm down some way.
The firefighters were the first on the scene....They arrived in mere minutes.
My baby is awake , My other 2 are scared , My wife is trippin out , The firemen are asking me about his medical history , My dog is wimpering at the foot of the bed , The oxygen mask doesnt seem to be helping him breath.....I am in total chaos.
The ambulance arrived and they got him in...Were all waiting on careflight to land.
I am looking in through the back glass with my hand on his foot and I am praying for God to be with him.
The medics told me to follow them to a nearby school where careflight was preparing to land.
As I follwed the ambulance I was yelling at the top of my lungs at the devil.
"NO MORE! , You are bound! Leave my family alone! " and other words I wont repeat.
I have never yelled from the gut like that in my life . I am a spiritual man and have alot of faith and once you leave Satan's click and join GOD , Times get tough with the enemy.
My dog was sick , My computer and my music was locked up by a hacker and now I am following an ambulance containing my father.
I honestly felt all of the above was a spiritual attack on me and my family.
( I really hope ya'll aint reading this like " The story was good up untill he started yelling at the devil!" I am not nuts....Well not fully.)
We arrive and the paramedics tell me they think he is bleeding in his brain.
They think he had a stroke.
As I watched the chopper fly off , The tears streamed down my face.
I had to go back and get my family so we could go to the hospital.
(Fast Forward)
September 15th ,2008
I ,my wife and kids are in the E.R.
I went back to pray with him and talk to the doctor.
The nurse showed me something that I will never forget.
She opened my dad's eyelids and one pupil was small and the other one big.
She said that really concerned her and was a possible sign of brain damage.
The Doctor came in and said he would know more once they did a MRI , But as of now , It appeared to be a stroke.
(Fast Forward)
When they finally got him into a room , My wife and I went to discover he was gone for testing.
We had some time so we went to my sister n laws house who lived close by.
I got a phone call from the Neurologist.
He explained to me that my dad had a Brain stem stroke. A little area at the base of the spine that controls damn near everything it takes for you to live.
"Doctor , Just tell me the truth , How long does he have?"
He said it was highly unlikely that he would wake up from this and if he did , He would have to be kept alive by a respirator through a trach in his throat and be kept in assisted living.
Basically the Doctor was telling my Dad was going to be a "Vegetable".
"Thank You Sir....But I am believeing on a miracle."
I hung up the phone and I was numb.
Everyone wanted to know what he said...As I explained with a shaky voice and tear stained eyes , They joined in my grief.
BUT , I got strong as I prayed.
The more I grew as a believer in Christ , The more I learned about the power you attain. One of those gifts the bible speaks on is the gift of healing.
I now knew that I had to pray for the complete restoration of his brain stem.
I called and texted everyone I knew who was a believer , Some of you reading this know what I speak of.
I was fully convinced that my dad could be restored to better than before.
There was a constant flow of traffic and prayers to my fathers room in ICU.
I gained a courage and Terminator strength I did not know was in me.
I was comforting the very people who came to comfort me!
I was convinced! I had faith! My father will open his eyes and be restored!
I belived this even when the nurses told me he wasnt going to recover and that the doctors needed to know whether to put a trach in his throat or remove him from life support.
I was convinced my Father would be healed!
I told them that if no miracle occured by Monday , I would make the choice to remove him.
I spoke that with my lips , But my heart and faith stayed CONVINCED.
There was many a great beliver who came and layed hands upon him and prayed.
I myself was stabbed 6 times times and died on the operating table in 92 in the very same hospital! So I knew the power of prayer and I KNEW that GOD could do what no doctor could.
I stayed strong at the hospital. Like I said , TERMINATOR strength!
But when I returned home at night , I would go to his room and cry like a newborn.
I dont ever recall a time in my life that I cried like that. This was a soul cry....
I stayed the night with him on a thursday , a few days before I was to make my decision.
I pulled up my chair and read him Psalm 51 and I cleared my concious of everything that I felt guilt for. I forgave him for the wrongs I felt he committed against me and I asked his forgiveness for the things I had done to him.
He was in a self induced coma , but I knew he could hear me.
I had him repeat the sinners prayer in his mind and I put headphones on him and played Beethoven. I always have heard that classical music stimulates the brain.
I prayed over him like I had never prayed before. Demanding the devil repay 7 fold what he had stolen from my dad....
And I told my dad he had to forgive my mother.
I tried to sleep but couldnt , The nurses coming in and out and his machines sounding alarms tormented me. I could not find peace anywhere.
So I prayed all night long.
About 7am , I was mentally beat.
I called my wife and as soon as I heard her voice , I just started crying.
"Please , Come pick me up , I just wanna go home....I'm So tired"
My mother was flying in from Ohio and we were supposed to pick her up that afternoon.
Thank God for my wife.
She took me home and I went to sleep , while she drove over an hour to the airport to get my mom.
I hadnt seen my mother in almost a year....I woke up , showered , hugged her and told her to come on....We had to leave.
As I drove to the hospital , She was telling me that she hated to say it , But he was going to die.
My mother works for hospice , so she sees death frequently and knew from what the doctors were saying...Her ex-husband , My Father , was about to go.
To be honest I was angry. I felt like she didnt have adequate faith. I held my tongue back from really speaking my heart and just told her...GOD IS ABLE TO DELIVER AND HEAL.
By this time , All the family and friends of my father had already came and spoke there peace with him.
Only my mother , whom he hadnt seen or spoken to in 12 years was left.
I told her to go in and make her peace with him.
My dad was very angry and resentful towards her after the divorce and I truly felt she was the last peice of the puzzle for my dad to wake up a new man In Christ.
When we walked in , She busted out in tears....
The nurse came in and did a eye reflex test on him and showed me there wasnt any response to the light.
He "assured" me my dad was already gone and that the machines were keeping him alive.
"Yes sir , I understand , I'll let you know on Monday"
I left my mother alone with my dad....She spent a good 45 minutes talking with him.
All the while , I paced back and forth on the corner , chain smoking and praying.
When she was done , She came to me and cried and said "Honey , I know he's your dad and I hate to say it ,But he's not going to live".
"Ok mom" , Didnt matter what she had to say , I knew what my God had done in my life and I knew he was able to also resurect my father.
I WAS CONVINCED!
(Fast Forward)
It is now Monday.
My wife and I arrive at Harris hospital in Ft.Worth.
Her Grandmother , mother and her husband are there.
My dad's brother and nephew are there.
The chaplain is there.
The Doctor came and told me what was about to take place and that he admired my strentgh and that I was making a merciful decision.
OK DOC...Thanks
I WAS CONVINCED!
When the nurses took the respirator out , My dad imediately started the same breathing he was doing when I discovered him.
Just a horrible snoring lke sound.
I had my mother in law take my wife out...Once she heard that sound it broke her down.
When I first asked the nurse if the people live 20 or so minutes after removing them , He replied "It could take days" DAYS? DAYS? My wifes grandmother lived for almost 2 weeks I found out. So I went into this knowing that if he did pass , It wouldn't be immediate.
Unfortunately , His brother and nephew weren't aware of this and was horrified at the news that he would breath like this until his brain realized it was over.
My Dad was truly in the hands of GOD now.
I WAS CONVINCED!
We had to leave to pick our children up from school , But when I returned later that night , I was suprised to see his brother and nephew still there.
I had shown up ready to witness a miracle.
His brother said "Is there no way to speed up the process? It's killing me to see him like this."
I was infuriated inside. I had shown up to witness life and he was speaking death.
I walked outside and told GOD , "PLEASE ,Get them out of here!"
When I went back in , I told them I would be there and when and if he passed I would immediately call. "Ya'll gotta long drive , Go Home ,I got it.."
As they talked to the nurse , I went outside again until they had gone.
When I went back , I closed the curtain again and began praying and reading scripture to him.
"Dad , You GOTTA WAKE UP BUDDY! Open your eyes!!!!"
It was killing me inside to hear him breathing like that and by this time I had learned what the numbers on the machine meant.
His oxygen level was going into the red and his heartrate also.
I prayed and prayed and the numbers kept fluctuating.
I could only imagine how dry my fathers throat was. He hadn't had a drop of water in a week.
I had brought a glass dropper with me and filled it with water.
I put it in his mouth and gave him a drink....
What next lord? Ice chips!
My dad's tongue was swollen from having the tubes in his throat and it made logical sense to me that if I reduced the swelling , He would be able to breath easier.
So i rubbed ice chips on his tongue while I prayed.
I had to get that swelling down!
The nurse came in to clean him up , So I stepped back outside.
"GOD , I dont know what else to do...."
The Lord spoke and told me to go home , It was his turn to work.
I felt extremely lost and vulnerable.
I walked back to his room knowing that I would completely leave him in GOD's hands.
I prayed a little more and kissed his forehead.
I dropped to my knees and released my Father to my Father.
I washed my hands and walked out.
Now I was questioning how CONVINCED I was....
That was one of the hardest things I have ever encountered. As much As I believe in GOD , Giving him COMPLETE control of a situation was extremely hard.
The next day , my wife and I arrive to sign paperwork to have my dad transported to a hospice closer to my house.
As we were leaving , My wife and I prayed , Kissed my dad and said "We'll see you in a few minutes".
The hospice was going to call when they got him in the room , so we went home.
Around 5 pm , September 23rd ,2008 Hospice called and said...
"Mr.Johnson , I am so sorry , But your Father has passed away. He started having complications on the way here and died about a minute after we got him inside"....
"OK , Were on our way"
I sat down on the bathroom floor and cried.
My mother , wife and myself went to the hospice.
He was in a room on the bed.
My mother was crying her eyes out and apolagizing "We had some good years...We had some good years...."
My wife and I held each other.
I asked for a few minutes alone.
I thanked my father for being who he was and raising me into a man.
My goal has always been to make it through my music and buy him a house , classic car ,etc...
I felt great remorse because I couldnt do that now.
As my tears annointed his face , I said my good bye.
On the way home ,We witnessed a glorious sunset.
Later that night , I started going through stuff in his room.
I found a box of pictures from the 80's.
My "CONVINCED" was now "CONFUSED".
I couldnt fathom why GOD would raise me from the dead and give me another oppurtunity at life , but he wouldnt raise my father.
"Why did I even pray Lord? What is the purpose of saying we have power to heal in your name if it still boils down to your will?"
I was angry.
As I opened the box , The first picture was a picture of my dad when he was 11 or 12.
I stared at his eyes.... looking at them in the hospital , they were now tattooed on my brain.
The following pics began to tell a story.
This man wasnt even my biological father. Though I considered him as such.
Those 80's pics revealed a time when I was kid and he was a new Husband and Father.
He was Truly happy and him and my mother were Truly in love.
I saw a pic of Christmas 83.
I saw how excited he was to give me my first puppy.
I saw the little boy who was so excited to have the latest Star wars figures and G.I Joe toys.
I saw all of us , when Life was simple and pure.
Then the lord spoke to me and said ," You question my will, But never questioned his...."
As I wiped the tears away , I started thinking and remembering my father in a whole new light.
When your a kid , You dont consider or appreciate what your parents go through to raise you.
But now that I look at him through eyes of a man...I see things differently.
I saw that he battled depression and was never the same after the love of his life left him.
I saw the bottles of aleve he took to ease the pain .
He was a machine repair mechanic and his hands constantly hurt.
He was also an artist and couldnt really draw anymore because of the pain.
I remembered how angry he would get when we discussed politics and how he hated the current government.
I knew how he felt about certain management at his job.
I knew of the bills and constant stress and working basically for nothing....After you paid those bills and taxes.
I knew his life consisted mainly of work and TV and the computer.
He wasnt happy here , Physically or mentally.
I remembered how GOD opened the door and gave me the courage a couple weeks before he died to tell him he needed to let go of my mother and the anger and stress and realize he was in a spiritual battle.
I then realized that as much as my father loved us , He was not a happy man.
GOD spoke again and said
" Do not feel guilt over not being able to buy him things on earth , You helped the man's soul receive salvation and there is nothing money could by that can compare to that...Scott , You repaid him more than you could ever realize."
I put the pictures back in the box and apolagized to GOD.
I wrote my first ever speech and delivered it at my Dad's funeral.
The preacher said it was the first time anyone had preached a sermon before him.
(Fast Forward)
It is now October 20th , 2008 , 2:00 am
Yesterday it was exactly 3 weeks since I buried my Dad.
I will admit though that the minutes seem like days and 3 weeks feels like 3 years.
I caught myself turning the porch light on for him....
I catch myself crying over certain ninja like memories that sneak in and attack my mind.
I am now walking on a road that unfortunately everyone of us will travel one day.
Through all of this , I have kept my faith.
To be Honest , I really cant explain what's going on with me.
I have always been the type to keep going. Terminator right?
I am also the type of man who sincerely tries to learn from his mistakes.
So please learn from what I have learned.
When you have the oppurtunity to speak , Do it.
Even if you know that the conversation might not be good. Get it out of you while you can.
Words are being put on your heart for a reason.
Dont ever keep resentment in your heart , It will eat you alive.
Tell the ones you love that YOU LOVE THEM.
Get your priorities straight...GOD ,Family , Then you.
I told my father goodnight at 1 am....4 or so hours later , He would never open his eyes again.
8 Days later , His spirit left this earth.
Time and death do not respect you.
The bible says to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord.
Although it may sound cliche , I know my dad is in a better place.
But that doesnt completely ease the pain I am going through.
But I will maintain and I will survive. Through faith , Love and lessons learned...I am a better man.
It is now my turn to walk on THAT ROAD.
As I mentioned earlier , Some of you reading this stood by me throughout the whole ordeal with your thoughts and your prayers. You know who you are and once again I thank you and I love you.
You find out who is really down for you during times like this and I am blessed to have some great family and friends. Thank you all and may God Bless you.
The man who is producing my next album moved to California to attend college.
After he left , his brother came by and dropped off a new external harddrive filled with the remaing tracks for the album.
(When I met him I gave him a soundcard and this is how he repaid me.)
So with that software I got that day in my dad's room and the external drive , I was able to save my music and other things taht are important to me to fulfill what it is I feel I am here for.
I started from scratch and no longer "Download" freemusic :)
and I keep my kids off of certain sites.
I am now able to take my emotions and put them on paper and creatively express everything I am going through.
So expect to hear the best I have ever given.
The Lord works in mysterious ways....
My dog had gotten the mange and he looks like the dog from Resident evil....Pray for him ya'll!
As I sit in my Fathers chair and type out my heart from his computer , I pray that my words and my expierience will touch you in a positive way.
Believe it or not , This was the short version of my story. lol
Someday I will put all of this in a book , every detail I can remember.
There are two sets of footprints on this road I am walking.....
Death has brought forth life.....
Thank you for reading.
May God Bless you and yours.
Love and Respect each other...It's not that hard.
In Loving Memory of James Warren Evans.
Sincerely ,
Scott Johnson
www.scottjohnsononline.com
